Finding yourself: developing a stronger sense of self

Do you know who you are?

Not who you think you should be. Not who your parents, partner, friends or the world around you would like you to be. But who you are — what you believe, what you value, what you want and what feels right for you.

Therapists sometimes talk about self-concept clarity — having a relatively clear and consistent understanding of yourself and your identity.

It's something we develop over time.

We explore, try things, form relationships, make decisions, get things wrong and change our minds. Through those experiences, we gradually build an understanding of ourselves: I like this. I don't want that. This matters to me. This doesn't feel right. This is the kind of person I want to be.

But developing that internal sense of self can be more difficult for some of us.

When keeping the relationship safe comes first

Something I often see in therapy is people who have become very good at considering everyone else, but find it much harder to know what they themselves want.

Instead of asking What do I think?, they might automatically ask:

What will make them happy? Will they be disappointed? Will I cause trouble? What do my friends think I should do? What would everyone else do?

Through an attachment lens, this can make a lot of sense.

If you've learnt through your early relationships that connection feels safer when you accommodate, keep the peace, don't disappoint people or don't ask for too much, you may become very good at reading other people.

And not always so good at reading yourself.

You can get used to consulting outside before consulting inside.

When every decision becomes confusing

The problem is that without a strong internal reference point, decisions can become surprisingly difficult.

You might ask five people what they think and end up more confused than when you started. You might say yes when you really mean no. You might choose the relationship, career, course or life that seems right to everyone around you — only to eventually find yourself wondering:

How did I end up here?

Developing a stronger sense of self doesn't mean becoming selfish or ignoring the people you love. Other people's perspectives matter. Relationships involve compromise.

It's about learning to include yourself in the conversation too.

Before asking everyone else, we can begin by asking:

What do I think? What matters to me? What do I actually want? Why am I making this choice?

And sometimes there is an even more important question:

Am I choosing this because I want it — or because it feels safer?

Maybe we don't simply “find” ourselves

The idea of “finding yourself” can make it sound as though there's a fully formed person hidden somewhere inside us waiting to be discovered.

Perhaps it's more accurate to say that we develop a self.

We become curious about ourselves. We explore. We question old assumptions. We discover our values and boundaries. We notice the difference between what we want and what we've learnt other people want from us.

And gradually, we develop enough confidence in that internal voice to move through the world with a clearer sense of:

This is who I am. I can make choices from here.